12/26/25
Yesterday I remembered the beach in december 4 years ago &
sprinting through the sand trying to catch up with my family before the sun set
but the sun was already breaching the horizon line
and the orange hue obliterated my mission - I gave up, stopped running
gazed at the expanse
By myself on my knees
something inside me changed
“there was a flashing,
and everything
got burnt up”, just like that
There was emptiness,
& widening identification
reflections in the
sky and waves
and in me,
I saw time stretching out
as the sun angled a little lower
around the edge of the world
& everything I would do
for the rest of my life seemed
finished.
I remembered a dream I had as a kid
of friends I would find
the following year, at the gazebo in Hoboken
I looked down
my feet were in water
wading
a few inches, then my calves, thighs, chest
I stumbled in
fell face first into the moving black ice
reflections shattered
/ vision obscured
Am I breathing?
or is there breath?
Dreams and reality crashing
ocean & air still miraculous
I paddled out further
I spit and choked and
everything inside and everything outside
was interchangeable essence
I felt the narrative of my life fading
Yesterday I remembered this
Ocean-memories & consciously filtered
them into an actual buzzing sound
and ’sorbed it into all the cells
of my body. Then I decided
to live every day like I am on that shore
swimming further and further out into the Great Myself
Listen, I will
not bother making sure I have enough
strength to swim back to shore
I won’t trade that exhilaration for anything.
Alright - Yea, I
still remember my
zip code - I went up then
down then up then caught my
feet and dragged it down
to earth to keep as a
little pet toy thing I check
on every once in a while
when I have the time to
spare - Nah, I’m out on
the wintry ocean, gasping.
Or, still wanderin’ ‘lo the forest
with my eyes closed
chanting baba, baba, baba...
Ending:
Used to think I had to
stick around but lookie!
my hands are movin’ whole
world keeps turnin’ round,
nothing’s gonna wait for ME
nor I for IT
I am here:
A perpetually calm evening hour
like how it is after the day’s
activities have concluded
and there’s nothing to do but
engage with divinity
by candlelight.